As I Understand Control--2

For years, I was so steeped in the negative emotions I mentioned in my last post that I didn’t realize, until I peeled away most of that negativity, that below that layer was another, even more change resistant, layer. The primary ingredient of this next layer was a strongly felt need to control as much of my surroundings as possible.

At the time, the need to control was either unrecognizable to me, or it was impossible to admit the possession of, even to myself. But in hindsight, now that time and emotional distance shields me from the embarrassment of having had a need to control, it’s easy for me to recognize how this need fueled the anger and the isolation that stalled the social aspect of my rehabilitation and, perhaps, also fueled my alcoholism.

Another realization that has become clear is that at the base of whatever force made me think and behave as I did was a fear that I would either lose something I already had or that I wouldn’t get something I wanted. In other words, at the base of every fear I could possibly have is an unwillingness to accept life on life’s terms.

Given that I was a brain damaged, paralyzed mess of a human being, this lack of willingness to give up control may have been understandable, but being understandable didn’t make it any less of a block to progress. Much earlier in my recovery, I was infected with a condition known as terminal uniqueness. I no longer think I'm unique, so I believe there are others who’ve either had or maybe still have fear as their primary motivator.

This being the case, the, at least temporary, direction and purpose of my following posts will be to explain my journey and perhaps discover new ways for us all be rid of the aforementioned fear.

(To be continued.)